Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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