the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
