So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
