I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
