On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
