I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
