all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
