i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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