mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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