You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
