the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
