First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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