I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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