The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Even my vagina gasped.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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