just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
