Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
