just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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