He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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