Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize