Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
