Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
