I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
