I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
