I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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