i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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