My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
