I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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