you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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