he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
