True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
