How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
