Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My vagina is officially offended.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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