I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I looked at my own cervix.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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