So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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