Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
