I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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