So drunk its hurt
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
