I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
