NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize