I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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