I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I love you. Go after that dick
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
