Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
