my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize