i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
