i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
