Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
