What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
