I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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