The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
