my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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