I will die if light touches me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
