So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sarcasm needs its own font
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
