I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
