his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
