I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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