Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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