I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
