I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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