The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
