Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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