I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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