pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
