I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
