I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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